Learning to Love the One You’re With
“If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”
The lyrics from this song always felt a bit icky to me. They seem to be saying, “If you can’t have sex with the one you love, have sex with the one you’re with.
The words to this song popped into my head as I was sitting outside of Gateway Cottage Wellness Center enjoying lunch in the sun at a table overlooking a rambling expanse of red rocks that lead to Snoopy Rock, and a bright blue Arizona sky. I had been reading the book, Sufism: The Transformation of the Heart. Many aspects of the Sufism tradition, especially the heart longing for the Divine, call to me. My heart too longs for the Divine. And apparently, according to the song lyrics that dropped into my mind, my heart also longs for love a little closer to home:
“If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”
As that song lyric and tune by Stephen Stills danced in my head, something suddenly shifted.
Ohhhhh!
If you can’t be with the one you love, romantic or otherwise, love the one you’re with, love yourself!!
OMG, how brilliant and so true, I thought! Love the one you are with – love you!
I have no idea what Stephen Stills originally meant when he wrote, “Love the One You’re With”. Perhaps he meant just what I originally thought, or perhaps he intended a multi-level nuance that had always escaped me. What I do know is that this tiny of bit of lyric, now and forever, means so much more for me.
Searching for love
In my work as intuitive healer and reader, I often meet people who are desperately seeking love, and the far majority of the time; they are seeking love from sources outside of themselves. I felt this way too, especially when I was nursing the end of a 29-year marriage many years ago. When I asked my intuitive guides and teachers about a future relationship they would tell me, “You need to fall in love with yourself first.” I remember feeling annoyed as I’d think, “But I do love myself! I take myself for massages, I do nice things for myself, and I even enjoy my own company.” I learned, though, that this type of self-care is just skimming the surface.
Learning to love oneself unreservedly is probably the single most important thing we can do for humanity. When we love ourselves, not in a narcissistic way, but in a truly compassionate, non-judgmental manner, it is then much easier to honor and love the people, animals and experiences around us.
Yet most of us just want to skip to what we think is the good part, falling in love and being unreservedly loved by another. We want someone to passionately love us, especially the parts we don’t like. But that, right there, “loving the parts we don’t like” that is the key right there. Most of us already like our good qualities. It’s the qualities that embarrass us, that we have unhealed shame over, that we fear anyone ever seeing, that we just can’t stand about ourselves …these are the aspects that we need to hold compassionate, loving space for.
What Self Love Really Means
I think true love is not overlooking what we find frustrating or annoying about our loved ones, but loving them because of the mix of both endearing and not so endearing traits, for the whole package. The journey to self-love is the same. The love I feel for myself has moved from a superficial level, such as I love my curly hair, pretty smile, upbeat personality, to feeling deep compassion for the “shadow aspects” of my personality. This includes the immense impatience I sometimes feel when I’m stuck behind a slow driver or when what I want doesn’t come quickly enough in life, my lack of confidence in certain situations, insecurities, judgments, and the loose skin I have from gaining and losing literally hundreds of pounds over the years, as I used weight to protect myself while wrestling with my emotional demons.
Do I passionately love these things about myself now? Heck no. But it’s not about passion anyway; it’s about compassion, especially self-compassion.
And, I do have compassion for these aspects. Every time I feel the need to “whip” some perceived defect in myself into submission or oblivion, I pause and in the words of spiritual teacher Matt Khan, I give myself more love, not less. I give the part of me that is acting out, understanding, compassion and love. I hold space so it can be seen and heard. I ask it what it needs, how can I help?
Do we ever totally and completely love ourselves? I don’t really know. For some it might have been love at first sight. They were born knowing their self-worth. For the rest of us, it’s a journey. A journey of learning to accept, honor and integrate both our light and shadow aspects with greater degrees of self-compassion and love.
So if we can’t be with the one we want, we can practice being more understanding and compassionate with our own beating heart. Then, if and when the right partner comes along, we’ll have a lot more love to share.
Namaste,
Resources:
For additional books, videos and meditations on self-love and self-compassion, visit https://nataliemarquis.com/resources/self-love-resources/
Lyrics to “Love the One You’re With”
If you’re down and confused
and you don’t remember who you’re talking too
concentration slips away
cause you’re baby is so far away
chorus
well there’s a rose in the fisted glove
and eagle flies with the dove
and if you can’t be with the one you love honey
love the one you’re with
don’t be angry – don’t be sad
don’t sit crying over good times you’ve had
there’s a girl right next to you
and she’s just waiting for something to do
chorus
doo doo doo doo
turn your heartache right into joy
cause she’s a girl and you’re a boy
get it together come on make it nice
you ain’t gonna need anymore advice
chorus
doo doo doo doo
Songwriters: STEPHEN STILLS
About Natalie Eve Marquis
An intuitive healer, teacher, writer, and artist, Natalie helps seekers discover deeper connection and meaning in their lives. She is the owner of the Wisdom Within and the Reiki Release® Emotional Healing Method, a powerful process that pinpoints and releases the root cause of emotional blocks and negative beliefs. Natalie teaches all levels of Reiki certification both online and in person. She also provides a variety of fun and informative workshops on intuition development, past life healing, personal growth, and more in NH, MA, AZ, and NC.
