The Face of Shame is Sometimes an Unhealed Friend

During a morning hike several days ago, it hit me like a punch to the stomach that I have not always been a safe place for my friends to vent their feelings. I’ve unintentionally hurt or shamed them with comments that suggest their reaction to current events, whether personal or global, is something to be tamed or quickly moved through. As if getting to a happier state is better or more spiritual than being distressed.

This morning a good friend of mine was giving me an update on some issues that had been occurring in her life and I said, “Hey great job, it sounds like you’re coming from a more empowered place today.” Her response was something like, “I’m not receiving that well because it makes me feel like my earlier feelings were unacceptable.”

Her response brought me up short. Oh my god, she was right. And I quickly recalled another time I had done something similar. Right after President Trump got elected another dear friend of mine expressed how depressed she was with the results. I responded by saying something like, “I know! It seems a lot of light workers are devastated by the election. But aren’t we supposed to be holding the light no matter what?”

It was seriously not one of my better moments. It was thoughtless and insensitive. My friend needed a hug, a loving sounding board, and time to grieve her disappointment, not judgment. I was such an ass and I apologized, but as you can see, the issue has resurfaced again, which is a good indication that something within me still needs healing.

Holding space for ALL feelings

If I applaud some feelings over others, then I’m making some feelings good and others bad. Feelings are neither good nor bad. As an intuitive healer, I know darn well it is extremely important that we allow our feelings to be fully felt and expressed. We cause imbalance in our energetic body anytime we halt or stuff down our feelings. If we do this too often, it can create emotional and physical dis-ease.

I also realized, to my great dismay, that in both cases I unintentionally shamed my friends for their honest, heart-felt reactions. I never ever want to make this mistake again. I always want to be a safe and loving place for my friends to be their authentic selves and express their true feelings.

It sounds nice to have this goal, but words are nothing unless they are backed up with action. So, how can I stop myself from being a thoughtless ass the next time? The only way I know to make this a natural part of my behavior, rather than an intention I have to struggle to remember, is to heal what is driving my behavior. Today’s occurrence was a wake up call that something deeper below the surface needed to be brought to light.

Bringing unhealed issues to light

I thought I was very comfortable with displays of emotion. However, self-reflection has made me aware that while it’s easy for me to embrace grief, sadness, and tears, I am still not comfortable with anger or feeling powerless. When these emotions surfaced in my friends, it triggered my fear of those emotions and I reacted by pushing them to get to what I perceived as a more empowered state because it would make me feel better. Once I recognized this, I could do my own self-healing work.

I can’t guarantee I’ll be a perfect friend every time. Luckily my friends don’t expect that of me. We are all striving to be the love we wish to see in the world, to be love in action. Yes, we will fall short of this on occasion. And when we do, we just have to be willing to ask ourselves “Am I being triggered and if so what is being triggered?” Once I bring any fear into the light of my awareness, that is where the real healing begins.

Signs you may be unintentionally shaming another

Even when we have the best intentions, as I hope my personal account shows, our history and wounds sometimes get in the way. The goal is not to beat yourself up, but rather use your new awareness of it to mentally trace the trigger back to its root cause and heal it.

• Making some feelings more acceptable than others.
• Insisting one must be positive all the time.
• Rushing another’s grieving, healing or spiritual journey.
• Insisting that one spiritual path or approach is better than another.
• Insisting that emotionality is bad and zen is ideal.